Sacrifice or Compromise?

21 Jul

I’ve been told that sacrificing your happiness for the one you love is the truest and purest kind of love, and I’ve often wondered how true this is. According to the normal ideology of romance, love is often associated with lots of sacrifices and little or no compromises. However, realistically it’s the opposite. I personally think that relationships should have fewer sacrifices and more compromises, but I may be wrong. This is just my opinion.

The problem usually lies in differentiating between the two. What does sacrifice really mean and what does compromise entail?
According to the dictionary; Sacrifice means the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

Compromise means a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
It is therefore safe to say a woman sacrifices her career for her family. This is not a compromise. When compromising, you give up something that you want or desire when sacrificing, you give up something that you actually have. A very good example of a compromise is when two lovers agree to sleep with a dim light rather than with the lights off that way the room is neither dark nor bright.

One can safely compare compromise and sacrifice with envy and jealousy. When envious, you want something that you do not have and when jealous, you fear losing something that you already have. Sacrifice is so common and natural among intense lovers that it comes so naturally that both parties aren’t even aware, that is until the one who’s made the sacrifice begins to regret it.

No one’s saying don’t make sacrifices, but please think deeply before you do. Are you sure you won’t be bitter about it and regret it later in future? Is it what you really want? Are you being forced? Is it worth it? Is there a balance of power?

If you willingly make sacrifices and your partner doesn’t reciprocate you may end up being the one who is always expected to give up and give in and this may result in long-term unhappiness and resentment. Honestly, sacrifices aren’t always easy and are so closely related to compromises that one can hardly differentiate between the two.

Before making a sacrifice ask yourself these questions:
~how committed are you?
~would your partner do the same for you?
~does your partner know it’s a sacrifice?
~is there a better solution?
~most importantly, are you happy?

One very important thing people should know is what and what not to sacrifice and knowing when you’re sacrificing too much. I would shed more light on this in my next write up. Until then.

Parasitic Relationship

22 Apr

Yes! There is a thing called “parasitic relationship”. A parasite latches on to you and exploits you, sucking you dry, robbing you of emotional strength, money, time, and everything that is valuable to you. Having a close bond is one thing but feeling like you can’t even take a shower by yourself is another. In any healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable doing their own thing. This can mean hanging out with your own friends, family, watching tv, reading or running all at your own time. When your friends suddenly become ‘our’ friends there’s a problem. He or she may even hang out with those friends without you. This is a very dangerous thing.

You might be the parasite or be in a parasitic relationship, see if the following signs apply:

1. Your partner does at least 80% of the talking and you’re not particularly shy, then you have a problem.

2. Your partner tries to make your problems seem smaller by saying that he or she has it so much worse, then you have a problem.

3. Your partner gets angry whenever you share your feelings, or if you don’t share your thoughts and feelings because you know your partner won’t really listen and misunderstand, you have a problem.

4. You don’t even get thanked for all of the favours you do, then you are definitely getting taken advantage of.

5. Your partner never compliments you or tells you how nice you look then you may be being used.

6. Every single time you step out of the house, you hear your partner say, “I’ll come along too!” then he or she may be a parasite.

7. You suddenly notice that your partner is always doing the things you used to love doing alone, then he or she may be a parasite.

8. Your partner also can’t do anything by him or herself and is always asking you to come along, then you may be in a parasitic relationship.

9. Even if you have loads of money to spare, it’s a warning sign if the person you’re dating is always willing to take advantage of your money. He or she will also be just as willing to take advantage of your emotions.

10. You don’t take turns doing favours for each other but your always the one doing one favour or the other then you might be in a parasitic relationship.

Dirty Secrets…to tell or not?

25 Mar

Passion and romance eventually fade over time, and a more calm, contented love takes over as the years go by. Falling in love is a magical experience that happens between two people; a way we accomplish our primary motivation as humans, expanding ourselves and abilities through our relationships with other people. You love each other a lot and think you’re one of those couples who are squeaky clean and everything couldn’t be more perfect. News flash: you’re absolutely wrong!

It’s said that the thought of the possibility of your partner hating you if you reveal your sordid past can haunt you forever because there’s simply no peace of mind. Thinking about their reaction to what you have to say or what would happen if he/she finds out from some other source could even give a mini heart attack! The truth however is whether you tell your dirty little secret or your partner uncovers it, it would definitely cause a shake in the trust you two have built. There’s not much you can do or say to smoothen the situation at that moment.

Confessing about your ex(es) and your past may be a good thing, but are there things you definitely should hide from your partner? Of course…Now before you open your mouth and strengthen (or maybe destroy) your relationship with your “honesty” you need to think about a few things: will he/she trust you more, would it improve your relationship or just make things worse? Does she have a right to know this or can it pass?

Of course if you’re suffering from an STD or you have an history of mental disorder, obviously he/she should know all about it. Some sort of a secret addiction, fantasy, or even bankruptcy? Definitely things he/she should know. On the other hand, a one night stand with someone you met before you started seeing each other can pass, unless that person happens to be is your sweetheart’s best friend! Basically, just spill anything that you know your partner should know about, and would be hurt if they heard it from anyone else.

It’s tricky but yes, you definitely have to avoid telling your partner everything. You should even completely shut them out of the conversation sometimes. Intricate details should be skipped, there’s no sense in telling him/her about how you got laid in the back seat of your car or how many seconds you took to rip each other’s clothes off. The more specific you get, the worse they feel. Keep the info to yourself abeg! Keep it real and simply. Say what he/she needs to know. Know that no relationship is built on the cleanest of foundations and there is bound to be dirt somewhere or the other, from the both of you. If you think the dirt’s going to start stinking soon or if you’re being blackmailed or threatened by one of your past escapades then make sure your partner hears it from you first. Holding back these details can end your relationship.

Say what you have to and be there to sit and take everything your partner has to tell you, either out of sorrow or anger. Justifying yourself to a certain extent is fine but outright aggression isn’t, just don’t retaliate more than you have to at these times.

Intimacy

9 Dec

Intimacy involves feelings of emotional closeness with the desire to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. Intimate relationships are characterised by mutual trust, care, and acceptance. The first step toward intimacy is to know and like yourself, value yourself, identify your deepest feelings and needs and also develop the security to share them with others. Trust and care go a long way too, as with trust, partners feel secure about disclosing intimate feelings without worrying about being ridiculed or rejected. Caring is an emotional bond that allows intimacy to grow. When people care about each other, they seek to satisfy each other’s needs and interests, and if needs be, make sacrifices for the other person.

There are a lot of conflicting opinions when it comes to sex and intimacy and this makes it difficult to really get to the bottom of this problem because no two people have exactly the same ideas on sex. Traditionally, sex would come with a long-term commitment, or marriage, associated with the couple having an intimate connection with each other. Intimacy is the heart of a strong relationship that makes it easy to know one another deeply and to be completely free with one another; an emotional state that is often reserved for just one person.

Ideally, sex in a loving relationship should be the physical embodiment of intimacy. However, sex is a physical act! The most intimate act in a relationship, yes! But it can also be a mere physical exchange, an act which is paid for, or a one-night stand; a physical act rather than a loving act. Intimacy can be developed by spending quality time together, enjoying physical, non-sexual contact, or enjoying shared interests and listening to each other.

Intimacy isn’t purely physical as one doesn’t have to be sexually involved to be intimate with someone. Intimacy is a connection that builds and grows between two people over time. Emotional closeness, spiritual trust, and physical connection all play a role in creating intimacy.

Vote! Vote!! Vote!!!

11 Nov

Hi guys! First I’d like to inform you all that I won’t be posting any article for a while as I am undergoing my 3 weeks Nysc Orientation and my schedule is choked up. However, I promise to give you all something nice as soon as possible.

Secondly, I thank you all for your nominations in the Nigerian Blog Awards Best Relationship Category. I’m happy to inform you all that I have been nominated, thanks to your votes. Now I need you all again, pls vote me winner under the Best Relationship Category. Kindly visit http://nigerianblogawards.com/vote2013.php and vote. Pls share too. Thanks.

Stuck In The Friend Zone

20 Oct

The friend zone is a very frustrating and shitty place to be and it’s more commonly experienced by men than women; this might be due to the fact that men would be more comfortable dating their friend, whereas a woman would fear jeopardising the friendship or you’re just so deep in the friend zone that you’re gradually advancing into the brother zone. Once the friend zone is established, it is said to be difficult to move beyond that point in a relationship. It’s the penalty box of dating one can almost never get out of, once you’ve been friend zoned, it’s game over. It might result from misinterpreted signals or from a fear that a deeper relationship might jeopardise the friendship however, in exceptional cases it may grow into something deeper, especially if the friend-zone friendship leads to a long term feeling of trust and intimacy.

Want to get out of the friend zone? Try these:

1) Drop the nice guy/sweet girl stereotype – This simply means when you avoid making your “friend” uncomfortable at any cost, usually at your own expense by not communicating your own needs. By not communicating your own needs because you don’t want to ruin your friendship, you’ll end up holding back in a variety of ways. Don’t unconsciously communicate to that your own feelings don’t matter instead find that happy balance.

2) Be Scarce – Spending time away and do less for your ‘friend’ could let you know how he/she feels about you. People tend to value something more when it isn’t at their grasp or if taken from them. Your absence will make them miss and want you more.

3) Show Less Interest – Take a step back and try not to be needy or desperate because you might just end up with what is given not what you want. So, be less interested and ready to walk away if you don’t get the relationship you want.

4) Create Competition – Go out and make new friends and always talk about these new friends with the friend you desire. People value more what they think they might lose. Being busy with other people might just make your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention. If you don’t see any “jealousy” though, then they might not want to be “more than friends”. In that case, set your sights on someone new!

If all of the above don’t work, then they are not on the same page with you and are just not into you. It’s okay that they might not want to be “more than friends”, simply continue being the good friend that you are and continue to struggle with feelings of jealousy and frustration when that person dates. Hopefully one day things will be better for you.

Breaking The Code…Or Not?

5 Oct

Things are never simple and in life all things related to relationships and feelings are complicated. When it comes to dating your friends ex we all know the ‘code’. I’m not talking about someone you see around, at the office or someone you just know or a friend of a friend. I’m talking about your FRIEND! We all know that silent rule…never ever date your friends ex…off limits period! But are there any loopholes around this code? What if it’s six years after and your friend has moved on, what then? Does the rule still apply? Or what if you had no idea who he/she (that is the ex) was, does the rule still apply?

Dating could be hard and really stressful. There’s genuine interest, great chemistry, fireworks in your heart, a deep feeling telling you that this is the one! Do you now ignore this because that person happens to be your friends ex or do you go ahead and date that person damn friendship? Tricky huh? The truth is, there is no direct answer to this predicament. It’s a very tricky situation to be in and no matter what decision you make there isn’t really going to be a happy ending. You either date the ex and hurt your friend or you don’t date the ex and deprive yourself and the your friend’s ex of having what could have turned out to be a beautiful thing.

Personally, I believe people aren’t possessions. It’s our job to make the relationship we have with someone a great experience, but if that relationship ever comes to an end we have to let go because we don’t own people. There are a lot of people out there who strongly believe that once they have dated someone then that person is off limits to their friends no matter how long they’ve broken up; truth is, we don’t control who we fall for. As far as you’re not aiming at hurting your friend as a form of payback, then I see no problem. If you are fuming because your friend is dating your ex whom you broke up with or who broke up with you, you need to realise that though you once shared something great it’s now in the past and you need to let go. People aren’t possessions and though you might feel betrayed, your friend and your ex might just be right for each other…and if not, oh well…

These are just my thoughts, my own view of things. I’m open to constructive criticism.